Monday, October 3, 2011

When Hope Is Taken Away

From the time we are young we have hopes.  We hope we'll make friends at school.  We hope the cute boy will ask us out.  We hope to get into college.  We hope we'll get a good job.  We hope we'll fall in love, get married and have children.

As soon as we have children, our hopes become stronger.  From the moment we learn we're pregnant, we start hoping.  Hoping for a healthy baby, first and for most.

Then your hopes turn into wonder and dreams.  I wonder if it's a boy or girl?  I wonder who he/she will look like?  What color eyes will they have?  Will they be smart, funny, shy or popular?

You start to imagine the day they are born, their first steps, words or loose tooth.  Their first day of school, first sleepover, prom and graduation.  Their wedding day and the birth of their own children.  How quickly this little being, you haven't met or even know, fills your mind and heart.

Then, just a quickly as you found out, you realize that this time it wasn't met to be.

The thoughts and feelings that overwhelming took over, don't seem to leave you as quickly as they came.  Now, you're left feeling empty and angry.  Angry because there is no real explanation.  Angry because there was nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented it.  Angry because you waited too long.  Angry because life took you in a direction you hadn't intended.  Angry because you're just a statistic!

Your doctors, midwife, family and friends all try to console you.  'Things happen for a reason", "A miscarriage is your body's way of knowing that this baby, no matter what, was not viable", "You're lucky, you already have a healthy baby", "At least you know you can get pregnant, you can always try again."

We are often reminded how precious life is and to be grateful for what we do have.  Growing up with a sister with special needs,  9/11, when my father passed away, and the birth of my son, were all reminders for me.  But every day life, our egos, busy schedules,  and our desire to have more, sometimes get in the way and we just forget.  We forget to focus on the good and to be grateful for the abundance we do have in our lives.

When I finally let go of the anger and focused on abundance, I got a strong sense of what I needed to do, where I needed to be, and for what was truly important in my life.  It was then, that I realized, Braden and I needed to be in Korea!  Nothing else mattered more than our family and being together.

As much as I hate to say it, things really do happen for a reason.  Our loss, propelled me to make a decision I was too scared to make on my own.  A decision I wouldn't have made if it hadn't been for the gentle reminder that life is just too precious.

So now, I hope for ...   togetherness.  I am grateful for my husband, my son and all that we have!



  1. I hadn't realized until now. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Quite simply, it sucks, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Wishing you a safe move and wonderful moments of togetherness very, very soon.

  2. I am so sorry sweetheart. I am so grateful we get to share our path, in both the good and the bad. Together!

  3. So sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage as well, and that was hard and disappointing. And the wait after was even harder and more stressful. But now, as I am waiting for my second daughter to come
    Jan 1st, it's all good.

    So enjoy Korea and the new adventure

  4. A beautiful post. With tears in my eyes, I realize what a powerful, tangible and incredible gift this soul came to give to you, no matter how short its physical life was. I understand how selflessly and unconditionally that being loves you. Through whispers, you have heard the reason for his/her short time on earth. Physical body or not, he/she is truly always with you. You are an incredible woman.

  5. I am sorry to hear about your loss! I am glad that this loss was able to bring you to the decision to be with Brooke in Korea. I just know that you will be so happy having your family together! I also agree completely with what Leigh said.

  6. Good luck in Korea, Arianna. You guys deserve lots of happiness!

  7. I absolutely LOVE Leigh's comment!!!! I couldn't agree more!!!

    Korea will be a wonderful adventure and new chapter for you guys!! Being happy, healthy and together is all that matters! ::hugs::