From the time we are young we have hopes. We hope we'll make friends at school. We hope the cute boy will ask us out. We hope to get into college. We hope we'll get a good job. We hope we'll fall in love, get married and have children.
As soon as we have children, our hopes become stronger. From the moment we learn we're pregnant, we start hoping. Hoping for a healthy baby, first and for most.
Then your hopes turn into wonder and dreams. I wonder if it's a boy or girl? I wonder who he/she will look like? What color eyes will they have? Will they be smart, funny, shy or popular?
You start to imagine the day they are born, their first steps, words or loose tooth. Their first day of school, first sleepover, prom and graduation. Their wedding day and the birth of their own children. How quickly this little being, you haven't met or even know, fills your mind and heart.
Then, just a quickly as you found out, you realize that this time it wasn't met to be.
The thoughts and feelings that overwhelming took over, don't seem to leave you as quickly as they came. Now, you're left feeling empty and angry. Angry because there is no real explanation. Angry because there was nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented it. Angry because you waited too long. Angry because life took you in a direction you hadn't intended. Angry because you're just a statistic!
Your doctors, midwife, family and friends all try to console you. 'Things happen for a reason", "A miscarriage is your body's way of knowing that this baby, no matter what, was not viable", "You're lucky, you already have a healthy baby", "At least you know you can get pregnant, you can always try again."
We are often reminded how precious life is and to be grateful for what we do have. Growing up with a sister with special needs, 9/11, when my father passed away, and the birth of my son, were all reminders for me. But every day life, our egos, busy schedules, and our desire to have more, sometimes get in the way and we just forget. We forget to focus on the good and to be grateful for the abundance we do have in our lives.
When I finally let go of the anger and focused on abundance, I got a strong sense of what I needed to do, where I needed to be, and for what was truly important in my life. It was then, that I realized, Braden and I needed to be in Korea! Nothing else mattered more than our family and being together.
As much as I hate to say it, things really do happen for a reason. Our loss, propelled me to make a decision I was too scared to make on my own. A decision I wouldn't have made if it hadn't been for the gentle reminder that life is just too precious.
So now, I hope for ... togetherness. I am grateful for my husband, my son and all that we have!